I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
