i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
