david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
