what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
