Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Randomize
