this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
