Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
