I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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