Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
