I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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