I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
