I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
