Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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