woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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