Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
