My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
