I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
