....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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