dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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