We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
40s are totally the cure
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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