i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
