I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
