ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
