Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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