Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
