I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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