my mouth tastes like poor choices
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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