thus making me awesome and them whores
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
