I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
