did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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