we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
