life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
