I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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