You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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