if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I smell like Dick and happiness
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
