At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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