i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
