we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
