How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
