Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
