Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
