i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
