i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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