I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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