do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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