I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
