i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
