There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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