dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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