I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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