It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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