when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
