How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Randomize