Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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