i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
