I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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